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                                                                          When	to	use	radical	acceptance
  Radical	acceptance	is	a	transformative	skill	we	teach	in	our	San	Francisco	Dialectical	Behavior	Therapy	(DBT)	skills	group.	Therapy	is	usually	focused	on	change.	And	of	course,	you	will	work	on	change	in	therapy.	But	sometimes	there	are	things	in	life	we	can’t	change,	or	can’t	immediately	change.	Sometimes	we	need	to	accept	what	feels
  unacceptable	to	lessen	our	suffering	and	figure	out	how	to	move	forward.	Part	1	of	this	series	on	radical	acceptance	explores	the	concept	of	radical	acceptance.	This	post	explores	how	to	radically	accept.	Because	understanding	the	concept	is	one	thing,	doing	it	is	another.	How	to	practice	Radical	Acceptance	1.	Notice	that	you	are	fighting	reality	The
  first	step	towards	radical	acceptance	is	awareness	that	you	are	resisting	reality.	Sometimes	this	is	obvious,	but	other	times	it’s	subtler.	Clues	that	you	might	be	fighting	reality:	Feeling	bitter	or	resentful	Thinking	your	life	shouldn’t	be	this	way	Regularly	unhappy	or	frustrated	with	life	Thinking	that	if	X	just	changed,	you	would	be	happy	Trying	to	force
  other	people	to	change	their	behaviors	2.	Turn	your	mind	towards	acceptance	Once	you’ve	recognized	that	you	are	resisting	some	truth	in	your	life,	the	next	step	is	to	turn	your	mind	toward	acceptance.	‘Turning	the	mind’	is	a	DBT	skill	that	supports	radical	acceptance	by	helping	you	turn	away	from	resisting	reality	and	turn	towards	acceptance.	You
  don’t	have	to	go	from	resistance	to	acceptance	–	often	that’s	too	big	a	leap.	But	you	can	make	an	internal	commitment	to	stop	fighting	what	is.	Turning	the	mind	is	about	choosing	to	radically	accept,	which	is	often	the	precursor	to	acceptance.	It	is	becoming	willing	to	accept.	3.	Use	your	body	to	help	you	When	you	are	fighting	reality,	your	body	may
  be	tense.	It’s	not	uncommon	to	tense	the	muscles	of	the	shoulders,	face	or	stomach	when	you’re	resisting	something.	Tight	muscles	work	against	relaxing	into	acceptance.	Two	other	DBT	skills	help	your	body	relax	and	open	The	first	one	is	called	Willing	Hands.	While	sitting,	relax	all	the	muscles	in	your	arms	and	then	turn	your	palms	facing	upwards,
  resting	them	on	your	lap.	Notice	if	that	shifts	anything	in	your	body.	The	second	one	is	called	Half-smile.	Making	sure	your	face	muscles	are	relaxed,	turn	the	corner	of	your	mouth	up	slightly.	Notice	how	that	feels	and	if	that	moves	you	towards	acceptance.	4.	Act	as	if	Even	if	you’re	not	able	to	radically	accept,	try	acting	as	if.	If	you	did	radically
  accept,	what	would	you	do	differently?	How	might	you	feel?	Common	Objections	to	Radical	Acceptance	If	I	radically	accept	something,	it	means	I’m	giving	up	When	you	practice	radical	acceptance,	it	does	not	mean	that	you	stop	working	on	things	you	want	to	change.	It’s	not	about	passivity.	But	the	only	way	to	work	effectively	towards	change	is	by
  fully	and	completely	accepting	what	is.	Radical	acceptance	is	saying	that	whatever	bad	things	happened	to	me	are	ok	Practicing	radical	acceptance	does	not	equal	approval,	forgiveness	or	even	compassion.	Radical	acceptance	is	a	process	Usually,	radical	acceptance	is	not	one-and-done.	Radically	accepting	that	it’s	raining	outside	when	you	planned	to
  go	on	a	hike	isn’t	too	challenging.	You	can	probably	accept	it,	feel	disappointed	and	move	on.	If	you’re	working	on	radical	acceptance	of	something	very	painful,	though,	you	will	probably	have	to	radically	accept	over	and	over.	For	example:	If	you	lost	someone	you	love,	or	are	dealing	with	a	chronic	illness,	it’s	normal	to	go	in	and	out	of	acceptance.
  Each	time	you	notice	that	you’re	fighting	reality,	remind	yourself	you’re	not	doing	anything	wrong	and	gently	shift	your	focus	towards	full	acceptance.	Let	whatever	emotions	arise	move	through	you.	This	is	the	path	to	freedom	and	peace.	Wondering	how	practicing	radical	acceptance	can	help	you?	Call	(415)	310-5142	to	get	started	with	therapy	in
  San	Francisco.	We	offer	individual	therapy,	couples	therapy	and	adherent	DBT.	As	many	people	have	come	to	experience	since	the	onset	of	the	COVID-19	pandemic,	it	can	be	hard	to	cope	during	difficult	times.	As	we	face	challenges,	whether	it’s	a	pandemic,	a	struggling	relationship,	or	other	personal	hardships,	it’s	important	for	our	mental	health
  and	physical	wellbeing	that	we	find	healthy	ways	to	cope	with	our	emotions.		Radical	acceptance	is	a	distress	tolerance	skill	that	can	be	used	during	challenging	times	to	better	cope	with	and	process	our	emotions.	What	Is	Radical	Acceptance	Therapy?	Radical	acceptance	is	a	distress	tolerance	skill	that	helps	individuals	facing	difficult	experiences
  and	painful	emotions	accept	these	feelings	and	not	resist	what	cannot	be	changed.	While	it’s	typically	taught	within	DBT,	radical	acceptance	can	be	learned,	and	is	effective,	on	its	own.		The	purpose	of	radical	acceptance	is	to	help	a	person	reduce	unnecessary	suffering	and	increase	their	ability	to	cope	with	difficult	times.	This	should	be	done	without
  judgement:	the	goal	of	radical	acceptance	is	to	identify	a	situation	or	a	person’s	response	to	the	situation,	but	not	to	pass	judgement	on	either.		How	Does	It	Help?	When	we	experience	difficult	or	emotionally	painful	situations,	we	tend	to	take	one	of	two	responses:		Block	the	experience	out	Try	to	deal	with	the	experience	immediately	and	get	through
  it	quickly		In	both	instances	there	is	an	underlying	assumption:	we	should	not	be	experiencing	these	difficult	emotions.	However,	this	assumption	only	leads	to	additional	distress.	It	leads	us	into	thinking	things	like,	“this	shouldn’t	happen	to	me”	or	“this	isn’t	fair!”	By	trying	to	block	out	our	emotions	or	process	them	as	quickly	as	possible,	we	only	set
  ourselves	up	for	future	anger,	resentment,	guilt,	or	shame.	This,	in	turn,	can	lead	us	to	experience	anxiety	or	even	to	suffer	from	depression.	Learning	To	Accept	Reality		Radical	acceptance	teaches	us	to	acknowledge	that	painful	experiences	are	simply	a	part	of	life.	Rather	than	denying	these	experiences,	we	must	accept	their	reality.	That	doesn’t
  mean	we	have	to	be	okay	with	difficult	situations	or	that	we	should	give	up	when	faced	with	something	unpleasant.	However,	refusing	to	accept	reality	will	only	exacerbate	our	distress.	It’s	perfectly	fine	to	not	be	okay	with	an	experience,	but	we	do	ourselves	additional	harm	if	we	become	caught	up	in	rejecting	the	experience.	In	doing	so,	we’re
  refusing	ourselves	the	chance	to	fully	process	and	overcome	the	experience.	Related:	Learn	about	mindfulness	and	how	to	apply	it	to	your	everyday	life	How	To	Practice	Radical	Acceptance	To	Cope		Radical	acceptance	is	a	hard	skill	to	master.	Most	of	us	are	not	used	to	accepting	painful	events	or	distress.	That’s	okay.	Like	most	skills,	this	isn’t
  something	any	of	us	can	perfect	after	a	few	tries.	Learning	radical	acceptance	takes	a	long	time,	and	should	be	thought	of	as	a	lifelong	skill	to	practice	and	improve	upon.		Use	Radical	Acceptance	Coping	Statements		One	way	that	you	can	begin	to	incorporate	radical	acceptance	into	your	daily	life	is	through	coping	statements.	These	can	be	thought	of
  as	simple	mantras	to	use	whenever	you	experience	something	stressful,	disappointing,	or	difficult.	Some	examples	of	coping	statements	include:	“This	situation	is	only	temporary.”		“I’ve	dealt	with	difficulties	before	and	I	can	deal	with	this.”	“I	can’t	change	what	has	already	happened.”	“This	feeling	will	pass	and	I	will	be	okay.”	“I	won’t	stress	over	the
  things	that	I	can’t	change.”	“I	can’t	change	the	situation,	but	I	can	control	how	I	respond	to	it.”		“It’s	okay	to	feel	anxious/upset/mad.	I	can	still	deal	with	this	effectively.”	These	are	only	a	few	examples.	They	can	be	used	as-is	or	as	jumping	off	points	to	create	your	own	mantras.	Try	practicing	with	different	coping	statements	to	find	the	ones	that	work
  well	for	you.	Related:	learn	how	to	cope	with	the	emotional	trauma	of	COVID-19	Getting	Help	For	Mental	Health	and	Emotional	Distress	If	the	COVID-19	pandemic	has	taught	us	one	thing,	it’s	that	we	all	need	help	during	challenging	times.	Skills	like	radical	acceptance	can	make	a	positive	impact	in	our	lives.	However,	learning	these	skills	and	fully
  processing	our	feelings	is	difficult.	Pent	up,	unprocessed	emotions	lead	to	anxiety,	depression,	and	other	common	mood	disorders	that	affect	millions	of	Americans.	That’s	why	it’s	important	to	find	professional	help	if	you’re	struggling	with	your	mental	health.		At	High	Focus	Centers,	our	team	of	clinicians	and	supporting	staff	understand	the	mental
  health	challenges	individuals	face	during	stressful	times.	Our	team	is	trained	to	use	research-based,	proven	therapies,	like	radical	acceptance	and	dialectical	behavior	therapy	to	help	patients	lead	a	healthier	life.		If	you	or	someone	you	love	is	struggling,	please	contact	us	today	to	learn	more	about	High	Focus	Centers’	mental	health	treatment
  services.	Many	times	bad	things	happen	and	we	have	no	control	over	the	situation.	We	can’t	change	people’s	behaviors	or	the	reality	of	what	is	happening,	and	these	experiences	are	painful.	Radical	acceptance	is	a	practice	that	helps	us	evaluate	situations	and	work	to	reduce	the	emotional	burden	of	the	reality	of	the	situation	like	resentment,	anger,
  hatred,	or	shame.	Use	this	worksheet	to	help	you	practice	radical	acceptance.This	worksheet	comes	from	Mental	Health	America’s	Mental	Health	Month	2021	Toolkit.Download	printable	versionHere’s	a	web-friendly	version	of	the	activity	from	the	worksheet:What’s	bothering	you?Take	a	minute	to	write	down	your	thoughts.Understanding
  realityThese	questions	will	help	you	understand	the	reality	of	what	you	are	experiencing:Look	at	what	you’ve	written	down.	Is	there	something	here	that	is	a	reality	you	have	to	accept	(rather	than	a	judgment	or	opinion)?	For	instance:	“It	shouldn’t	be	this	way”	is	an	opinion.	“It	is	this	way”	is	a	reality.Think	about	this	reality	and	just	sit	with	it.	For
  instance:	“This	is	what	happened.	The	past	can’t	change.	It	is	what	it	is.”What	happened?	What	events	led	to	this	reality?	(“This	is	how	things	happened.”)Accepting	realityNow	it’s	time	to	accept	the	reality	you’ve	been	fighting	against.	These	questions	will	help:Think	about	this	reality.	Can	you	accept	it	in	your	thoughts?	What	can	you	tell	yourself	to
  help	you	accept	this	reality?	Imagine	what	it	feels	like	to	accept	it.Imagine	how	you’d	change	your	behaviors	or	actions	if	you	accepted	this	reality.	Imagine	how	the	world	would	feel	if	you	could	let	go.Think	about	this	reality.	Can	you	accept	it	in	your	body?	Where	are	you	carrying	the	resistance	to	accept	this	reality?	Do	you	carry	that	weight	in	your
  shoulders	or	your	back?	Is	there	tension	or	physical	pain?	Can	you	practice	feeling	your	emotions	in	your	body	and	then	practice	releasing	them	from	your	body?Do	you	feel	disappointment,	sadness,	or	grief	right	now?	Sit	with	that.	Acknowledge	it.	Allow	yourself	to	feel	these	feelings.	Understand	that	it’s	ok	and	expected	to	feel	disappointment,
  sadness,	or	grief.	Write	down	anything	specific	about	these	thoughts	and	feelings.Despite	the	pain	of	this	reality,	what	makes	life	worth	living?	Write	those	things	down	to	remind	yourself.If	you	find	yourself	struggling	at	this	point,	write	down	some	pros	and	cons	of	accepting	or	not	accepting	this	reality.	Then	start	back	at		Step	1	above	for	your	next
  troubling	situation.Disclaimer:	This	worksheet	is	adapted	from	DBT	Skills	Training	Handouts	and	Worksheets,	Second	Edition,	by	Marsha	M.	Linehan.	Copyright	2015	by	Marsha	M.	Linehan.	See	page	344	for	original	checklist.	Have	you	ever	wondered	why	some	people	get	destroyed	by	suffering,	and	other	people,	when	they	suffer,	they	don't	get
  destroyed.	In	fact,	some	people	not	only	don't	get	destroyed	by	suffering,	but	they...they	seem	to	become	even	stronger	just	by	going	through	suffering.		Have	you	ever	thought	about	that?		Well,	I	didn't	think	about	for	a	long	time	because	I	was	brought	up	believing	that	suffering	is	something	everybody	can	go	through.	So	I	was	just	brought	up
  thinking	that.	So	I	always	thought	it	was	true.		That	if	you	wanted	to	go	through	it,	you	could.	Then	when	I	started	working	with	people	who	suffer	a	lot,	both	as	a	psychotherapist	but	also	I've	worked	a	lot	with	the	poor	and	with	the	homeless,	I	started	realizing,	hey	wait	a	minute,	I'm	not	so	sure	this	is	true.		Everybody	doesn't	go	through	suffering.	
  Some	people	get	destroyed	by	suffering.	Despite	their	best	efforts,	some	people	simply	get	destroyed.So	I	started	asking	myself	what	was	the	difference.		I	mean,	what	was	the	difference	between	the	person	who	gets	destroyed	and	the	person	who	doesn't.		Why	is	it	that	when	some	people	get	knocked	down,	they	keep	going.	They	get	knocked	down,
  they	get	up,	and	they	go	again.	Other	people,	they	get	knocked	down	and	they	just	stay	down;	they	never	get	up.		So	I	thought	to	myself,	well,	I	need	to	find	the	answer	to	this	question.	Mainly	'cause	I	work	with	a	lot	of	people	who	suffer,	and	I	work	with	a	lot	of	people	who	seem	to	be	getting	destroyed	by	it.		So	I	thought,	well,	if	I	can	find	the	answer
  to	that	question,	I	could	teach	it	and	I	could	help	the	people	that	I	work	with.		So	I	started	to	try	to	figure	it	out.	So	I	thought	a	lot	about	it.		I	also	did	a	lot	of	reading.	I	decided,	alright,	the	thing	to	do	is	I'll	try	to	read	as	much	as	I	can	about	people	who	have	lots	of	suffering	in	their	lives,	tragedies	and	traumas,	and	the	people	who	somehow	make	it,
  and	I'll	try	to	figure	out,	what's	the	difference	between	the	people	who	make	it	and	people	who	don't	make	it.The	purpose	of	this	program	is	for	me	to	teach	you	what	I've	learned.	In	all	the	readings	that	I've	done,	all	the	thinking	that	I've	done,	and	all	the	people	I've	talked	to.	What	we're	going	to	focus	on	in	this	program	is	how	to	make	it;	how	to
  keep	yourself	from	being	destroyed.		Even	how	to	grow	or	to	build	when	a	life	that	you're	living	feels	like	it's	not	worth	living.		We're	going	to	talk	about	3	sets	of	skills,	or	3	sets	of	behaviours.	Three	things	to	practice.		These	seem	to	be	what	the	people	who	grow	all	have	in	common.	So,	there's	a	lot	of	information	that's	going	to	be	coming	your	way	in
  this	particular	program.		You	may	want	to	take	some	notes.		Most	people	find	that	pretty	useful.		So	if	you	want	to	take	some	notes,	I	recommend	that	you	do.		The	thing	to	do	right	now	is	to	get	up	and	put	this	program	on	pause.	Go	get	yourself	some	paper;	get	a	pencil	or	a	pen;	come	back;	hit	the	start	button;	get	yourself	all	comfy	again	and	get
  ready	to	go.	Now	while	you're	doing	all	of	that,	I'm	going	to	get	myself	all	organized.	I'm	going	to	get	all	organized	and	be	ready	to	teach	the	skills	when	you	get	back.		One	more	thing.		If	you	just	so	happen	to	have	my	skills	training	book,	when	you	get	up	to	go	get	paper,	go	get	your	skills	training	manual.	If	you	don't	have	the	manual	but	you've	got
  the	handouts,	well	go	get	your	handouts.		Bring	them	back.		And	when	you	come	back	and	sit	down,	you're	going	to	want	to	open	your	book	up	and	you're	going	to	find	the	following	handouts.		You're	going	to	find	"Basic	Principles	of	Accepting	Reality."		And	there	are	two	pages.	On	the	first	page	you're	going	to	have	Radical	Acceptance,	Turning	the
  Mind.		We're	going	to	be	going	over	those	skills.	And	on	the	second	page	you're	going	to	have	Willingness	and	Willfulness.	We're	going	to	go	over	those	too.	And	when	you	get	back,	I'll	be	back.	I'll	be	ready	so	I	hope	you	are.	Let's	go.There	may	be	an	infinite	number	of	really	painful	things	that	can	happen	to	you.	But	there	are	not	an	infinite	number	of
  responses	you	can	make	to	pain.		In	fact,	if	you	sit	back	and	think	about	it,	there	are	only	four.	There	are	only	four	things	you	can	do	when	painful	problems	come	into	your	life.		What	do	you	think	they	are?		Think	for	a	minute.		A	problem	is	in	your	life,	pain,	suffering,	something	you	don't	want	in	it.	How	can	you	respond?	Well	the	first	thing	you	could
  do	is	you	could	do	is	you	could	solve	the	problem.	You	can	figure	out	a	way	to	either	end	the	painful	event	or	you	could	figure	out	a	way	to	leave	the	situation	that's	so	painful.	That's	the	first	thing	you	could	do.		Solve	the	problem.What's	the	second	thing	you	could	do?		You	could	try	to	change	how	you	feel	about	the	problem;	to	figure	out	a	way	to
  take	a	negative	in	your	life	and	make	it	into	a	positive.	Alright,	so	that's	the	second	thing	you	could	do.	What's	your	other	option?		You	could	accept	it.	So	that's	the	third	thing	you	can	do.		You	could	just	accept	the	problem.	Ok.		That's	not	everything	you	could	do.	There	is	a	fourth	alternative.	What	do	you	think	it	is?	You	could	stay	miserable.		That's
  the	only	other	option	you've	got.	So	you've	got	to	either	solve	it,	change	how	you	feel	about	it,	accept	it,	or	stay	miserable.	The	skills	I'm	going	to	talking	about,	you	could	call	them	'Reality	Acceptance	Skills'.	And	there	are	three:	radical	acceptance,	turning	the	mind,	and	willingness.	We're	going	start	with	the	first	one,	radical	acceptance.
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